if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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