God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
