News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we should paint friendship bongs
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