god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize