I accidentally burped into my bong.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
