Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
