Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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