i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
