Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
