I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
