I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Two words: blizzard sex
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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