guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
