I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
