Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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