Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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