he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
