i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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