Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She even gives head with a lisp.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
