She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This baby is an asshole
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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