I wish I only lived at night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
