ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
