Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize