peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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