Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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