my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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