If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
