i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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