you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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