I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
