Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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