I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
