And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
