She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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