My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
