She announced her abortion via fbk
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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