I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
