So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
