Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
