I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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