It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize