Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
