wrigley field is MILF paradise
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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