Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
