Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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