God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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