I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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