you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
