I haven't been this sober since birth.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
