Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
