That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
They have beer where we have blood.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
