The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
