I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
