I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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